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We are the Cowboys Riding Without Guns
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[13 Jun 2005|09:28am] |
well i guess this is as good a time as ever to say my goodbyes. graduation was beautiful i'm so proud of my babies!!! haha yea and this past week has been awesome so thanks to everyone yall know i love you. keep it real in da hood for meh. i'll be back soon enough to make sure this place didn't burn to the ground. ok bye kids.
ps i doubt i'll ever be on this again so if you wanna leave me a lil suga (and i would really like you to) hit up the myspace. haha fo sho.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| entry number 286 |
[05 May 2005|12:07pm] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
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music |
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soundtrack of the summer |
] |
i have decided that i am going to post only one more entry after this. this baby has servd me well for 5 years now, and i think its about time to retire her, but first i'll sum everything over these past years up.
oh eighth grade...what a year. kenz and tami were mah boyssss. i was all prudish and scared of everything. kenz was such a badass...smokin and goin skinny dipping and hangin out with all the cool kids. i remember walkin home with her, cb, jay, and ashley z. i felt so out of my league i was so shy haha. nd tami was always tami, breakin hearts n bein all artsy. cept back then she had like a fro which i of course thought was awesome, but i dont think she liked it. oh sit and i remember hanging at the pool when caitlin first met james...crazy
goin to high school was difficult. i was all about volleyball so i mstly hung w/ meredith all the time. she's a very judgemental person. hanging w/ her definately changed me. for the worse. i was so self conscious all the time. i just avoided going anywhere or doing anything cuz i was so scared of being made fun of. so basically ninth and tenth grade were spent hiding in my room. what a shitty time. a waste of 2 fuckin years. it makes me so sad that i wasted those yeaars cuz i think i really could have done alot. who knows where i could've gone with choir and v-ball nd makin friends if i hadn't been such a pussy. i eventually just stopped even getting out of bed or getting dressed for days at a time. my parents sent me to therapy over the summer after tenth grade. it was hard as shit.
eleventh grade i said screw meredith and kim and basiclly became the team outcast. i would throw up everyday before practice. but i had fun. even keesling wasnt there to have my back (yea she's a bitch but she was the best coach everrrrr and she liked me haha) but i made it through. the seniors had my back. i had quit choir so i had new time and classes to make friends. enter amy and jo. its weird i have known them so long but we just became friends that year. oh for a while there i was pretty tight with erica too but she got...idk. i didnt have time for ppl like her in my life anymore. i started talkn to tami n caitlin n my old crew again. i started actually going out. prtyin. me n amy would go to galen's or andrew's or dave's to chill. but they got lame. car guys get lame as fast as their v8 manual tricked out cars can go.
so one friday night after getting free tb food by going through the drive through topless, badjar was left bored. amy said we should go where rachel n her gang we chillin, some kid pete's apartment. after that came partying there or at tylers almost everysingle night. then the summer came and that extended to bobby's house and mikey's house and loads of new friends and bands and new places to go everyday. it was the best damn summer of my life. this has been the best damn year of my life. i love you all for showing me the best time a kid can have.
i will be gone by the end of june. but i'll always remember the bridge and the kids that turned this town into my home.
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(7scribbles \scribble on the wall)
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| its 3 am and i wanna go to be-e-ed |
[29 Apr 2005|03:12am] |
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its 312 am and i am not not tired. i am shaking very badly. i was reading this book about a guy who came from the rich part of d.c. and went to some ivy league school and yadda yadda yadda, then when he got out of school he gave away everything he owned and gave all his money to charity. then he hitch-hiked to northern alaska and tried to hike back down to america. he doesnt tell anyone where he's going or what he's doing, he just dissapears off the face of the earth. i think its kinda cool. but the thing is this guy gave up everything he owned because he hated society, not cuz he loved the simplicity of nature. or at least thats the impression i get. i haven't finished it yet but i know he dies. thats the only way anyone ever finds out where the hell he went is that they found some starved, emaciated body. i cant keep reading for more than a few minutes. i get too wrapped up in the book. not just this book, any book. i dont like feeling like my grip on reality is wavering, and it does when you get wrapped up in a book. i hate that.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| sumthin new every damn day |
[28 Apr 2005|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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this week- to nj for bamboozle
next week- fuckin prom
third week- yucatan
fourth week- parents are gone
fifth week- finals
sixth week- graduation!
after that its workin 24/7 till my family goes outa town in july and i gotta move all by my lonesome!
shit will keep me busy i'm sure. god i fuckin hate my sister. and i fuckin hate everyone makin me walk on eggshells just cuz she's around. like she fuckin deserves it. oversensitive pussy ass bitch. fuck her.
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(scribble on the wall)
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[20 Apr 2005|02:35pm] |
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i just had a lil nappy-poo and i dreamt about sex. people need to stop doing coke. i guess cris cares more about us going to prom together than i thought. reassuring after rachel totally screwed me w/ the limo n shit. i thought he would just go w/ felicia and they would all have a good time...and i really wouldn't have given a shit. but its nice to know some ppl are there for ya specially when even amy's not. maybe that was a low blow. but maybe not. seems like all she cares about now a days is drinking w/ dan n steve and being too cool for everyone else. i mean if it really wasnt that big a deal then why not leave rachel's group for me n jo? i woulda thought badjar was a lil tighter than that. but whateva i know i'm venting i just don't feel like arguing w/ her and i gotta get this out somewhere. shit this is pissin me off all over again.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| fuck em |
[13 Apr 2005|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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starry eyed |
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music |
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guster |
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fernando is waiting for me on top of the coffee shop. i can't
sleep nights away anymore. there is no time. no time at
all. i'm in love. in love with love and lousy poetry.
not with rob. i'm sick of wasting time. you've wasted every
moment of ur saturdays and ur sundays.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| i'm beating on your heart |
[25 Mar 2005|03:55pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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head automatica |
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muscles move the same but everything is different. they are still bound by routine but they know another way. i feel like a kid at christmas eve. the earlier i go to sleep the faster the next day comes. these tommorrows need to start piling up faster.
i need need need to do this.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| poetic words are overrated |
[19 Mar 2005|11:18am] |
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last night i drove a cadillac with no window down pacific highway through the mountains and the palm trees with three drunk bros in the back. i realized. we can do this. do it all.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| NEWS FLASH! |
[09 Mar 2005|12:08pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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bear every day |
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i am very scared. i am shaking. what a busy weekend this will be. scary. next week scares me. i have never even come close to california before. and bobby always makes fun of what i wear. peter i am trusting you to not let anyone rape me while we are in mexico!!! ooooh buddy. and i'm scared of my parents. i'm just scared of everything i guess.
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(2scribbles \scribble on the wall)
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| not once not twice she was thrice times a lady |
[06 Mar 2005|10:03pm] |
i keep having nightmares. every single damn night. they wont stop. not even when i'm passed out from alcohol. last night i slept at steve's house on his chair. it made me realize how horriblly uncomfortable my bed is because i slept better in his damn chair than in my bed. my mattress is about 2 inches thick- you can feel every little bar and spring beneath you. but that is besides the point.
last night my nightmare involved something about me and amy and joanna having to solve a mystery. someone kept killing people and putting them at the bottom of this huge lake we lived by. the lake had washed away our house and the only place for us to live was at this murderer's house. so we had to find him and turn him in so that we could live in his house without him killing us. we searched all over his house and i was so goddam scared everywhere i went because i kept waiting for him to jump out of a corner. but he never did.
we finally realized that he wasn't in the house. he must be out on the lake dumping bodies.
so we go out on his dock and we see this very creepy looking boat with one little lamp and a guy standing on it. we can't just swim up to him so instead we go to the bottom of the lake. the lake is hundreds and hundereds of feet deep and its nighttime but we can see everything in the lake. then we see his boat come right over us. he is not only dumping bodies, he is also fishing for crabs. so we climb onto his crab trap so he thinks he has caught something and pulls us up. this whole time we are underwater i have that horrible feeling in ur stomach when you know you are out of air.
when he pulls us up onto his boat we tell him we know he has been killing people. it is this little old vietnamese man who explains that he is only doing someone else's dirty work because they are paying him and he has to put his kid through college. he leans in toward amy and whispers his name into her ear.
then in a flash he is gone and we are on the land. someone is explaining to me that security cameras can zoom in on anything and hear everything. his name had never been spoken in the history of the world before and since he just said it now he can't ever escape again. because not They have his name and will find him. i am terribly upset because i realize we have just ruined this old man's life and now his kid can never get through college. also the real murderer is still out there.
but i also had a good dream last night sometime before or after the bad one. i dreamed of holding this guy's hand. i do not like to cuddle, but i just felt so special that he wanted nothing but to hold my hand and rest his head on my shoulder that i did it. and it felt better than anything i have done in the past month.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| if u understand my chain of thoughts i give you props |
[02 Mar 2005|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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raleigh usa |
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music |
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idk some hard core shit so i look cool |
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the pavements bleeding cuz it fought ur skin. i can't make a damn decision about anything. maybe i just don't want to. said morgan freeman of crawling through a quarter of a mile of sewage. i can't imagine. or maybe i just don't want to. these millions of interconnections we face. i feel as if i am getting the tail end when everybody else is smack dab in the centro. bustin out the italiano on ur asses. bicicletta. maybe i should excape my prison as well and move to mexico and buy a boat. but the calm before the storm is so much nicer. i just want to do everything all at once and its unfortunate because i don't even have the energy to do my laundry. i feel terrifyingly lonely and unreasonably confused. but i seek no comfort. no means to ends. what is wrong with me? i feel like everytime i think i have things figured out a tremor comes and shakes my whole body untill i don't know up from down. basically 2 months of school left for me. i did the math- in 12 days i will be out of school for 2 weeks. when i get back there shall be about a month and a half until i leave for a week. then my parents will be out of town for a week so party hardy (oh yea and school i guess) and then its finals. pretty sweet. hm. unfortunate that these severed ties are bleeding all over my goddam homework.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| i'm just a southern gal |
[21 Feb 2005|02:11pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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me n jo's sex mix |
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remember when we used to battle on the block before the lights came on?
time keeps passin. rollin on. and i'm still just a dumb kid. but its cool. more shananogans less plans. i was thinking about when me n jo n weezer were in norfolk in april and kramit's old house and how all the leaves had come out and their spring started about 10 days before ours cuz a hundred miles to the south can make that difference. playin soccer in the street and card games on the porch and drinkin brewskies as the late afternoon sun blinded us through the kitchen window. god that was such a good fuckin time. i don't think kramit even appriciates how cool his sister is.
i wonder if maybe i will go to ecu after all. i was thinking to myself that i might love california. and then i thought why the hell am i looking for a place to love when i already have one?
i think its the best thing i have thought all year.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| hey you're not so ugly after all! |
[02 Feb 2005|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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I'm In LOVE!!!! |
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music |
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tickle-ickle-icklin |
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it is so goddam cold in my fuckin house! i moved our little space
heater into my room b/c apparently i am the only dumais member who is
not immune to the winter. it is my only haven. when i talked to
bobby on the phone the other day he was bitching about how hot it is in
san diego...that little bastard. well i shall see for
myself soon enough i suppose the allegedly horrible beautiful soco
weather. hell come six months, i'll be living in it. i am
so goddam excited. i act like such an idiot now a days. i
feel just floppy and my heart is light always because i am so in
love. with joanna. and mike. and kevin. and
california. and my turntable. and everything else.
its the most wonderful time i have ever lived. although i do
worry about money alot and keeping my parents happy. but those
are details. can't live your life just thinking about
money. its like what clarence said: no man who has friends is
ever poor. ah, you cut to the core of me clarence. you are
so wise.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| scandal scandal scandal |
[23 Jan 2005|07:56pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
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music |
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the thrills |
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maybe there is a whole lot more in a whole lot less living. but i like it so much the way it is. i see it as everything coming together. they see it as everything falling apart. goddammit. i didn't appriciate how much i love everything until its in jepordy.
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(scribble on the wall)
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| I blame it all on the recreational drugs |
[16 Jan 2005|07:09pm] |
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mood |
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caring |
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music |
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caring is creepy// the shins |
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You can't spell FAILURE without U R A.
life is so strange. i have no goals. really. no goals at all. my only goal is to never have a goal. i don't wanna go to college. i sure as hell do not wanna go to uva or vtech or radford or longwood or gmu and any of that bullshit. i'd really rather move to Manoa and live in the Samoan ghetto and work at the dairy queen. i'd just have my bicicletta and live off of cotton candy blizzards. in the winters i'd head to the northwest and party with the triple-crown goers and pro surfers. the rest of the year i would just work at the y teaching little kids how to play volleyball (in addition to my dq job of course). i'd just chill and swim and surf and if i'm lucky i'd make some friends.
thats the problem. i see myself living my life completely alone. cuz even when i'm on the car seat makeshift couch on the roof of my samoan ghetto apartment building and i look across the street and see a completely hot guy sitting on his carseat makeshift couch on the top of his apartment building who just works at the y and chills all the time, i'd think 'what the hell is wrong with him? why can't he get a real life?'. idk. i wanna be friends with smart people, but i don't wanna be smart. i just wanna go along for the ride. its not that i'm shallow cuz i don't just want pretty jewlery or a house with bay windows or kids on the honor roll. i just wanna live and laugh and love at every second. its just not the life you can find in a book.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| THE PASSION 2: JUDGMENT DAY!!!!!!!!! |
[12 Jan 2005|10:35am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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hellogoodbye |
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I love you all!
ooooooomg. i wish i knew how to put pictures on my journal. then you could all see how cool and hot i am and how much i party and how much everyone loves me. uh yea i have like 100 of those pictures. their just in the back of my closet. and i have 8 boyfriends! but YOU wouldn't know them...they don't go to this school, they live in canada, they don't speak english!
anywho i want a fanny pack. so anyone who would like to purchase one for my birthday (which is NEXT WEEK!) is very welcome. god i'm such a greedy little bastard. Q:you know what would also be a good birthday present?...A: a certain shirt of mine that has been held for ransom since i stole a 1. Mr.Kittle's belt. However, said belt was returned about 5 months ago and still no shirt! ehhhhem! My people must track it down!
look guys just remember- you may be the B squad, but you're the CAPTAIN of the B squad!
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(scribble on the wall)
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| what it means to be alive |
[04 Jan 2005|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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emo |
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music |
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cary brothers |
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so i am signing up for community college and moving to huntington beach in august.
so i guess thats final.
i was thinking about what it means to really be living. that it seems to do with really caring about someone and having people really care about you. i think i have that. but it doesn't make me happy. i am happy though. simpler things than 'being really alive' make me happy. i like things i can't figure out or can't put my finger on more than things i know are true. maybe this is a self defeating habit. i don't think so.
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(1scribble \scribble on the wall)
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| dreading january through april...life gets better in may |
[02 Jan 2005|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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modest mouse//bury me with it |
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ok i had this pretty rad dream last night...i dreamt that instead of drunk driving everyone worried about jay walking. like i was on the phone with my friend and someone standing next to me was like "man, if they're comin over year make sure they don't jay walk." and i was like "oh don't worry they're strait." and then we were on the beach and the person i was on the phone with earlier was comin up to us. the guy standing next to me was like "yo he's jay walking you better stop him!" but i was like, "no dude he's not jay walking he's 'j' walking". and the guy next to me was like "oh alright just makin sure."
yea it makes no sense but its pretty awesome.
anywho...this weekend was pretty sweet. havin people over, meetin up with kids i hadn't seen in forever, successfully having a party without the cops coming. yea i guess it was pretty good. course tommorrow i hafta go back to skipping class for a job i hate and trying in vain to catch up, and going to bed on time, and having nothing to do...its lame. massively lame.
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(scribble on the wall)
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